Rambling Meditations
In two years I turn fifty.
The statement weighs heavy as a specific measurement, a concrete declaration of formality, a process, rigid rule keeping. And of course what results is the need for self-reflection, self-analysis, that same old cliché that develops for all humanity.
One aspect of this speculation is the fact my partner and I ended up in Houston, Texas where a majority of my first memories were formed as a child, where personality emerged, hesitantly. A stumbling along, seeking myself out from a crowd. Partly I find the phrase “full circle” too convenient. Are my acts pre-ordained? In other words are we as a species wired to always return to familiar territories? I always disliked the notions of fate and control. I always said that free-will impacts human development in a stronger fashion than pre-ordained situations. But that is another topic I do not want to fall into at this stage—
Another aspect for my increased self-analytical behavior is the fact I am a father now. Each day the title is easier to wear; every morning our son chases me down and identifies himself through me and his labels of me. His definitions become specific and demanding at times— so I follow his cues. There might come a time when he wants a better understanding of my identity, by my own terms. I do want him to have a clear definition of how I see myself if only— … wait. The wording is not sounding correct. The language chosen is too static. I want Brendan to have a tangible understanding his father and how I see myself as a father. In this fashion a solid starting point can be provided for him…
And perhaps all of this process of meditation is unnecessary. My boy is not hesitant. He is fearless. He does not hold back from testing new ideas or pushing boundaries. He clearly likes the foreground and having an active presence in all areas— whereas, I remember myself as a child holding back more often than not. A recluse. Individualistic. Remaining cautious in the security of the background scenes. At this stage we seem inverse personalities.
The statement weighs heavy as a specific measurement, a concrete declaration of formality, a process, rigid rule keeping. And of course what results is the need for self-reflection, self-analysis, that same old cliché that develops for all humanity.
One aspect of this speculation is the fact my partner and I ended up in Houston, Texas where a majority of my first memories were formed as a child, where personality emerged, hesitantly. A stumbling along, seeking myself out from a crowd. Partly I find the phrase “full circle” too convenient. Are my acts pre-ordained? In other words are we as a species wired to always return to familiar territories? I always disliked the notions of fate and control. I always said that free-will impacts human development in a stronger fashion than pre-ordained situations. But that is another topic I do not want to fall into at this stage—
Another aspect for my increased self-analytical behavior is the fact I am a father now. Each day the title is easier to wear; every morning our son chases me down and identifies himself through me and his labels of me. His definitions become specific and demanding at times— so I follow his cues. There might come a time when he wants a better understanding of my identity, by my own terms. I do want him to have a clear definition of how I see myself if only— … wait. The wording is not sounding correct. The language chosen is too static. I want Brendan to have a tangible understanding his father and how I see myself as a father. In this fashion a solid starting point can be provided for him…
And perhaps all of this process of meditation is unnecessary. My boy is not hesitant. He is fearless. He does not hold back from testing new ideas or pushing boundaries. He clearly likes the foreground and having an active presence in all areas— whereas, I remember myself as a child holding back more often than not. A recluse. Individualistic. Remaining cautious in the security of the background scenes. At this stage we seem inverse personalities.
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125 / after watering the potted geraniums— a sudden lizard— from inside the house I hear the baby call out my name
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